Rolzo Speaks…


Losing Excellence
Thursday March 15, 2012, 5:50 pm
Filed under: Boh Liaos

Recently I posted a FB liner on the subject. What were the contexts of that post? I wonder why I drag my feet to do “work”. Honestly, everything that spells work like assignments, training preps, proposals, church stuff etc etc…. I don’t like my spirit and attitude towards it. In fact I detest it and deemed it as an ugly side of me that I am ashamed to acknowledge. Pa’s frank assessment of me was right. Somewhat Ill-disciplined. My super slacky nature especially when I am at home. Although I felt slightly insulted by that harsh, in-the-face judgement I think I wld have been a fool if I would not take time to evaluate if there is any truth to that judgement. This is what I call “Rude Awakening” haha. Which I think we all need every once in a while. Talking to pa can be stressful cuz he has a preferred system/framework of approaching conversations. Unless I am prepared for an in depth discussion, I won’t dare engage him. haha

I asked myself is this what I wanted. Deep down is a yes and yes but why do I lose the spirit of excellence? I feel good when I have that. I feel good about what I produce when I have that. Now where has it gone to that I’m often with battling with the internal “shame” when I know I have not given my best. What we call the half-hearted attitude. I despised myself for that. I am still in the phase of awareness so before I go ignoring it and eventually get numb, I’d better do something about it.

I guess I need to do a pit stop and reconnect with why I do what I do. Very important thing. I hate needing to fake it. I feel that I betrayed myself if I allow myself to fake it and put on a show but internally having no conviction in the stuff I am meddling with. I shall not conformed to mediocrity! I shall not allow laziness get the best of me. Literally!

Hope you have been doing well where you are. Know that the Lord’s strength and spirit is always available. Take care! 🙂   

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